On strange dreams this year
I feel extremely put upon and down. It's not clear to me if I'm just tired, or doing something wrong, but every day there is a creeping feeling. It's something like grief, or thirst, a deep longing for something I'm not sure existed for me at any point but feels like a recollection.
It involves dreams, often of walking along a main road with bridges going overhead, and seeing on my travels younger people from my past. Sometimes I'm on a bus somewhere, other times I'm lost, I'm always going to school or college. And sometimes I'm smoking and in fear of a hangover, but the people, how we see each other feels real, and somehow there's understanding in me while dreaming, and in those I interact with in the dreams, of what's wrong. It is a place where life is large and still going on, and it is anchored and real. The waking world feels smaller, darker and more uncaring all the time.
Sometimes I think there's healing going on in these dreams, Lord knows I am very tired. I think it's been almost a year since I was able to sleep well. The past six months have been a period of time where I've just accepted I can't sleep until AFTER I am shocked awake the first time, when I feel like I'm going fade out, and that feeling of fear doesn't go away until the sun comes up. I'm not being dramatic that's just how I feel. Thoughts announce themselves, not that I'm going to do anything but that unquestionably something bad is going to happen to me. It's a nasty feeling that's damaged me, and I can't tell during my day when people or things bother me, if they are feeding that night terror or if I just can't deal with them because I'm exhausted. It's now it can happen now and it will happen. That feeling.
So it's no surprise dreams like those I mentioned above have a healing quality. A centering of things. There's hope in dreams. But on waking it is hard to hold on, there being such a juxtaposition between the dreams and reality. And I see in some ways why Christians are told to wish for no dreams at night But then that was only a youtuber who mentioned that, I don't really know what I think about that myself.
A dream can completely unseat your perspective. Some say they are the unconscious dealing with all the things you blocked out during the day, though truly that seems like pseudoscience to me. It is not worth examining really what they are on some scientific level, only if the are for good or bad, and if they can be realised. If they are trying to tell you something and if you should listen.